Ailing Neighbour

DEAR FRIAR RICK: My husband and I are in our 80s and thanks be to God we are in relatively good health. Our morning routine involves an entire pharmacy of pills for our aches and pains, but apart from that we are surviving. Over the last few years we have found it rather depressing to watch so many of our friends and neighbours getting sick with cancer, becoming too frail to stay at home and many passing away. Lately, one of our neighbours has begun chemotherapy. She is a bit younger than us and has been a rock for us to lean on in the past. I feel awful about what is happening to her. We pray for her every day. But I just don’t know what to say to her anymore. It’s just too sad. I feel powerless. What can I do for her?



  It has been said that the worst thing about living a long and healthy life is in fact living a long and healthy life! In other words, as you live longer you have to say good-bye to more and more friends!

  All of this is to say that I feel for you. It’s quite normal for you to feel a little depressed at times and to struggle with saying goodbye to friends and loved ones. There is an excellent book called Praying our Goodbyes by Joyce Rupp which has helped many people facing times of change and transition. Her book is all about encountering God and discovering new life in the process of letting go. Another good book for preparing for this part of your life is by my former teacher Robert J. Wicks: After 50: Spiritually Embracing Your Own Wisdom Years. Finally, the late Fr. Jean Montbourquette, OMI, a wonderful Canadian writer, wrote a great book entitled: How to Love Again: Moving from Grief to Growth. Either of these books might assist you in gaining perspective on your experience so that you realize that you are not alone and what you are feeling is quite normal.



  Now let’s look at the challenge of helping your neighbour at this difficult time of her life. First of all you need to remember to take care of yourself. Make sure that you are meeting your own needs for rest, food, exercise and laughter. Don’t over do it. The last thing your friend needs is for you to get sick in the process of helping her!



  Secondly, don’t be afraid of talking about the cancer. Have you ever noticed how in a conversation people often whisper the word ‘cancer’? Show your friend that there is nothing about her life or her situation with which you are uncomfortable. She needs to know that if she wants to, you are willing to be there with her no matter what she is facing.



  Third, don’t treat her like a ‘patient’ or a ‘child’, rather ask her what she needs from you. She will tell you. Many people think that they know best what another person needs or should or shouldn’t do. Perhaps you may have some wisdom here. And perhaps you can share some of it with your friend. But your friend may have lost so much control over her life because of the cancer. She may feel so out of control in the health care system. So perhaps one of the best things you can do for her is to respect her choices and help her recover some bit of control over her life.



  In many ways your care for her will be your care for Christ, the Son of Mary on the Cross. Jesus came and lived our life and shared our human condition. He redeemed our suffering. This means that Jesus showed us that if we enter into the difficult experiences of life they will lead to new life. So I invite you to enter into this challenge. Think of your friends as Christ in your midst. How would he want to be treated by you? You and your friend are in my prayers.