Broken Family

MY YOUNGEST son is in prison, and is faced with danger each day. His brother, my eldest son, whom I was never able to educate properly, buys him books on gruesome subjects like vampires, serial killers, torture devices and the like. He does this in order to “cheer him up.” He does not see that in actual fact these stories are fuelling my youngest son’s anger and resentment against the world even more.

My family is all broken up, my eldest son is upset with me, mostly because I disapprove of his ways. And my relationship with him worsened after my husband’s sudden death from a road accident. His wife, my daughter-in-law, is very angry with me and the world in general. Besides my two sons I had a daughter who, however, died of cancer a few years ago.

I pray every day and I am a regular church-goer. My house is filled with prayer cards, statues etc. I spring from a long line of faithful Catholics, but this trial is unbearable. All I have left is shattered dreams and hopes.

The weight of this situation really oppresses me, and I have no one with whom I can confide my great inner pain.

 

The suffering in your life is so overwhelming! I hardly know where to begin. I can only imagine what it must feel for you to live through all this. I can read the sadness at what is happening to your family, as well as the deep concern for the future. I also understand that you feel your faith is being tested to its limits and you wonder whether you can take any more.

The pain and sorrow that you are experiencing are not God’s will. God does not inflict such things upon us. God does not test us to see how long it takes before we break. That would be a sick and cruel God. So, why does God allow all this to happen to you? Frankly, I don’t know.

I do know that our God is a god of creation; one that gives life. I know that God is deeply in love with this creation, especially human beings. I also know that God loved us so much that God became one of us in the person of Jesus. This Jesus experienced some of the worst moments of life; rejection, torture and finally execution. I know that God did this to redeem our lives, to show us how, if we remain faithful, even the most hideous experiences can lead to new life. So basically I don’t know why God allows all these bad things to happen to you and your family, but God has walked the walk and is there at your side as you go through it.



You sound like a caring and loving mother. You are so aware and concerned for your children and your daughter-in-law. Besides the unfortunate cancer which took your daughter away from you, and the accident that left you widowed, the other people in your family have the ability to make choices and take responsibility for their actions. You certainly don’t have to be the only one worrying about them. Perhaps, in fact, you might want to consider backing off a little from taking care of them. I’m not suggesting that you stop loving them. Rather, perhaps you might consider taking some extra time to love yourself.

Allow me to illustrate the point. When you fly on a plane and the flight attendants give the safety instructions, they show passengers how to use the oxygen masks in the event of a loss of oxygen in the cabin. The attendant makes it a point to remind passengers that, if they have children with them, they must place the masks on their own faces first, and then on those of their children. The reasoning behind this is that, if you try to help your child before yourself, you may lose consciousness in the process, and not accomplish anything.



It seems to me that it might be time for you to stop and catch your breath. In your letter you say that you have no-one in whom you can confide these things. I wonder why that is? Perhaps a way for you to catch your breath might be to share the burden with someone else. Perhaps your parish priest or a counsellor would be a good person to seek out. If your parish has small faith-sharing groups, that would probably be a good place to share. No one expects you to carry all this by yourself, least of all God.