Building the foundations of marriage

WHETHER IT IS a small, intimate celebration or a huge gathering of family and friends, most young couples put a lot of thought into their wedding day. Furthermore, if they happen to be short of ideas on how to make the day an unforgettable one, there is a whole ‘wedding industry’ ready to step in and lend a hand.
You can go to a ‘wedding show’, where you will see the latest bridal fashions, sample the food prepared by various caterers and view the wares of a multitude of wedding suppliers. The only hitch? You could easily end up spending more than you can afford! You can also hire a ‘wedding consultant’; someone who will advise you or even look after every smallest detail. You can purchase a ‘wedding planner’, a step-by-step guide to help you organise your special day. If you like books and magazines, there are a host of those which offer all kinds of ideas; and, if it is advice you are looking for, your family and friends will no doubt be happy to oblige and provide it in abundance!

Planning the big day

Planning a wedding can be extremely complex. Is it any wonder then that some couples experience frustration if the Church asks them to modify their plans or participate in a mandatory marriage preparation course? In listening to young couples, you can sympathise with the problems they are faced with. Some start off by thinking they can marry in their parents’ backyard or up in the mountains, only to be told that the Church prefers a church setting. They are told that they can have input into the celebration, but if they ask for poetry or special music, they are often told to limit themselves to Scripture readings and to a pre-approved menu of liturgical music.
The issue of marriage preparation courses comes with its own set of problems, as engaged couples juggle with the demands of work, forging an intimate relationship, dealing with two sets of families and friends instead of one, preparing for a sacrament and planning a celebration of their romantic love. Add a few extra complications such as different faith backgrounds or varying levels of religious commitment and the obstacles can multiply even more quickly.
When Jeannine and Ronald prepared for their wedding two years ago, they almost gave up on the idea of a Church wedding. The Church was telling us that we needed to do a marriage preparation course, but I was working days and Jeannine was working an evening shift, explains Ronald. Fitting the courses into our hectic schedules was a nightmare, particularly since one of the courses we finally registered for was cancelled. Was it worth it in the end? You bet. It forced us to stop and to view our commitment in a way no one else was asking us to; with the end in mind, as opposed to the wedding day itself. It helped us focus on our relationship at a time when we were being distracted by a multitude of details.

The challenge of marriage

Lucy and Gary were married in 1997 and had a different reaction to the benefits of their marriage preparation course. With backgrounds in psychology and sociology, we did not really need to fill out a pre-marriage survey of our feelings and wishes, and it actually frustrated us to be asked to do so, recalls Lucy. What surprised me, however, was the reaction of another couple who was taking the course with us. They were going through a very trying set of circumstances, and the way they shared their experience with us and a few other couples really opened my eyes to a particular aspect of conflict resolution which I had never encountered before. I was also tremendously touched by the faith testimonies of the facilitating priest and lay leaders. I thought I had a pretty good handle on my faith, but there were some important aspects of Christian marriage which I had overlooked, adds Gary. When they told us that I should love Lucy the way that Christ loves the Church, it sounded a little preachy, but then the truth of the statement started to sink in. Lucy and I are really called to be that to each other; to love each other and our children in an unconditional way, the way Christ loves us. We’re the building block of the civilisation of love; the basic Church. I needed to be reminded of that.
Although the Catholic Church was among the first to develop marriage preparation courses, many churches and faith communities now offer similar courses and programmes. They realise that marriage preparation can help couples see if they are really ready for marriage, so that they can avoid break-ups or problems down the road. Is ‘marriage prep’ mostly a response to an erosion of marriage and family life? Most experts agree that it is an important factor, but that, in the past, before such courses were offered, couples were often ill-prepared for the challenges of marriage. Couples in these courses are encouraged to talk about such things as children, church, listening to each other, the different kinds of love, forgiveness, and how to foster respect for each other. There were a few things about our marriage preparation course that I didn’t like, including an awkward moment with the priest when he found out that we were living together, says Jeannine. However, some of the course content was really helpful and made you think. One of the leaders shared an article with me on marriage, which reminded me of some of the stuff my parents had to work through, and I realised, ‘I’m glad I’m here. I’m lucky to have access to this information before a problem develops.’

Marriage preparation

In 1996, the Pontifical Council for the Family published a document called ‘Preparation for the Sacrament of Marriage’. Although the document is not light reading, it is accessible for free through the Vatican website at www.vatican.va and it certainly does a good job of explaining why the Church cares so much about marriage preparation.
If you are a couple contemplating marriage in the Church, you may wish to start by contacting a parish near you to find out what the procedure is in your diocese or ecclesiastical jurisdiction and what resources are available.
Marriage preparation can be parish based, regional or diocesan. It can be as simple as a few encounters with a pastor and a marriage team; or it can involve sharing with other couples one night a week for several weeks or over a few weekends.
Marriage preparation programmes can also be administered through specialised organizations such as Marriage Encounter or Engaged Encounter. Some of these may or may not be available in your area.
In many countries, couples are invited to participate in a pre-marital inventory or survey, to help them assess their compatibility, strengths and weaknesses. Some of these surveys are quite sophisticated and can even provide you with personalised responses. They are highly recommended, if only to give both of you better self-knowledge.
A second approach involves finding out more about marriage and marriage preparation and then initiating contacts with your local church. This approach has the merit of making you more familiar with some of the concepts involved, and it can help you determine or prioritize your choices.
An Internet search on the subject of marriage preparation, for example, uncovers a large number of websites. One of the first sites I visited left me with some questions concerning the programme which was presented. Is this Catholic, I asked the webmaster. It turns out that it was Anglican, which could still be useful, but which obviously does not deal with some issues of marrying in the Catholic church.
Another site I discovered was hosted by an American Redemptorist priest who has written a book to help prepare couples for marriage. Even though you have to buy the book if you wish to read it, his site at www.marriagepreparation.com also includes a lot of free information such as a useful question and answer section. Among the questions answered: Are marriage preparation programmes mandatory? Why are there so many rules for getting married? What if one of us is not Catholic? If my partner is not Catholic, will the Catholic Church require him/her to convert? What if one of us has been married before? How do I know if I need an annulment?
Even though the Church cares a lot about marriage preparation, mistakes can happen and a couple’s feelings can be hurt in the process. It’s important for couples to keep an open mind about the process. At the session for engaged couples my wife and I participated in, we were invited to let God enter our relationship, so that we are no longer two, but three and that God journeys with us. The Church is also involved in this partnership, and there is much we can learn from its teachings and traditions, even though we would sometimes wish that the Church might do things differently.
Preparation for the Sacrament of Marriage calls on clergy, religious and laity to be respectful of the couple and of their individual journey. It also reminds us that marriage preparation is only a first step in ensuring a healthy Christian marriage. Couples need to keep working at their marriage constantly, and the Church must support couples and families with appropriate programmes and services.