Failure to Launch

DEAR FRIAR RICK: The other day I saw a video on TV taken by someone on his mobile phone. It showed a group of young louts – of about 20 years of age – soiling and smearing the carriage of an underground train. I believe the police should arrest people like these and make them pay for their acts of vandalism. Nowadays there is little respect for public property or for anything else, for that matter, especially on the part of young people, who seem to enjoy destroying anything from walls to shop windows, cars, etc. To educate the young to have respect for people and things is fundamental to our society, and is even more important than learning the three Rs.

 

I agree with you that respect for personal property and for the common good is a necessary value in our society. It is disheartening to watch crowds of young people rioting after sports defeats (and sometimes even victories) or during a manifestation against austerity cuts or police violence. It speaks to a generation of people who yes, perhaps don’t have an appreciation and respect of others’ property, but who are also suffering from a loss of hope and a deep sense of frustration.

I disagree with you, however, when you say that this is something that is lacking only in young people. The behaviour you have seen of 20 year olds damaging public transport is sad. I can also point to other examples that are even worse. I live in the city of Syracuse, NY. This is a small city on the shores of Lake Onondaga. It was until recently the most polluted lake in the United States. It was polluted because of years of industrial waste being poured into the lake. These were not young people poisoning the lake. It was grown men and women who should have known better. People old enough to know better have perpetrated countless acts of violence against property, people and creation.

 

DEAR FRIAR RICK: I have two attractive daughters, of 32 and 35 years of age. The problem is that they are both still single, and living at home with my husband and I. Maybe it’s all my fault, because I gave them a strict education. If they were a little less conservative, or if they had more of a social life, they’d surely be married by now. Whenever I bring up the subject of why they’re still not married, they always say that the men they meet are all rather stupid and shallow. That they’re all just into body-building, sports, cars, drinking or sex – not the type of men you can build a family with. My husband and I are tired of this situation. We would like to have grandchildren.

 

You know, it’s a very dangerous thing to try to predict what might have happened if we had made different choices in life. Things rarely work out in life the way we plan them, nor would they have necessarily turned out any different had you raised your children differently. There are just so many factors and variables involved. As the saying has it… if you want to hear God laugh, tell God your plans!

The fact that your daughters are living with you in their thirties is not necessarily an issue. It depends on your culture. But perhaps you’ve created an environment that is too attractive to leave? That has probably more to do than a strict upbringing. There’s an interesting popular film that came out a few years ago titled Failure to Launch which addressed the same theme. Like in the film you may need to remove the ‘incentives’ that keep your daughters at home. Do you do all the housework? Do you do the laundry and cleaning for them?

I know that your ultimate goal is not to get rid of your daughters, but to help them get married and get those grandchildren you long for. Well, they are not going to be interested in moving on if they already have comfortable cocoons in which to nest.

The other issue that you need to address is that perhaps one or both of them is not called to matrimony. Not everyone in this world gets married. There are many successful, interesting, balanced and fulfilled men and women who are single their whole life long. You may need to adjust your expectations and accept your daughters for who they are.