Mid-Life Crisis

DEAR FRIAR RICK: I am a 52-year-old woman married to a 50-year-old man; we have three marvellous children. I have dedicated my whole life and love to my husband and children. As a reward, I was repaid by his betrayal with a woman who is 20 years younger than me.

When I found out about the affair and confronted him about it, he gradually owed up to it and asked for my forgiveness. Some days later he swore that he loved me and that the affair with that other woman was over. Despite the deep feelings of hurt I forgave him because I am still very much in love with him.

A few days ago, however, the subject of the other woman came up in our conversation, and he eventually said that she was very slim and beautiful while I am rather chubby. From that moment on I have become obsessed with my looks, feeling ugly and inadequate. Did he really need to humiliate me again in this way? Wasn’t it enough just to betray me?



You have every right to be terribly angry at your husband. What he did was horrible. That being said, I am glad that he was able to ‘come clean’ and confess his infidelity. It’s interesting how he, or any of us for that matter, can claim to love someone and yet betray them. It’s like we do things we know we shouldn’t, but we can’t seem to help ourselves. Certainly the author of the Letter to the Romans (7:15) reminds us of this: “I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing that I hate.”

It is not unusual for a person in the middle years of life, as they approach the half-century mark, to become somewhat nostalgic for the things of youth and to resist the march of the years. Our human appetites or cravings tend towards the shallow and passing. St Paul cautions against this in the Letter to the Galatians (5:13-18). He invites us to live not for the flesh but for the spirit. By this St Paul does not mean flesh (in terms of our human bodies), but rather about the things that fade and do not last. Instead St Paul invites us to focus on spiritual goods, virtues, and things that can really feed us and sustain us for the journey into eternity. And I guess you understand all this, and that it is the reason why you have been so incredibly gracious and forgiving towards your husband.



It seems that what has hurt you even more is the added humiliation of having him say that he finds you chubby and was attracted to a younger, slim and beautiful woman. It almost sounds like he is blaming you… if you weren’t so chubby, he wouldn’t have strayed. You do realize that this is nonsense, right? It’s not at all about you, but about how he sees himself.

 I know that you’ve been terribly hurt by the actions and attitude of your husband. And the last thing I want to do is contribute to the hurt, but I need to ask you something a little challenging. Clearly your husband has behaved poorly. But you go on to write: “From that moment on I have become obsessed with my looks, feeling ugly and inadequate.” Now we come into a different territory. This is no longer about your husband. These feelings are about you. It seems that your husband’s actions and words have connected with something inside of you that is sticking. Has he pushed one of your buttons? Is it possible that this whole episode has reminded you of some deep rooted feelings you have about your appearance? Has this, in a way, reinforced those feelings?



You, like many of us, may need to reclaim some love for your body. It may not be perfect, but it is yours. If you want to try something rather unusual and fun, find some time when you are alone at home and stand naked in front of a full-length mirror. Take a good hard look at your body. Most of us will find plenty we don’t like about our bodies. Fine. But what is it you actually LIKE about yours? Yes, your body is over 50. But it is with this same body that you have worked and loved and cared and created. It’s with this same body that you gave life to three children. It’s not perfect, but it’s beautiful. Just like you.