Still a Virgin

DEAR FRIAR RICK: I am a 22-year-old girl and, alas, I am still a virgin. I said, “alas” because I have not maintained “the most precious gift a woman gives to her husband” out of my own free will, but because my mother, a hard-line Catholic, has drilled this value into me so much that the mere thought of being alone with a man makes me terribly nervous.

I have had a boyfriend for over a year now; I love him and think he feels the same for me. The problem is that he wants to have sex with me to prove my love. I’d like to have sex with him too, but every time he gets too close I start to sweat, and my fear is that the experience will turn out to be a total disaster.

What should I do, Friar Rick?

 

You know, I’m not a person who is easily shocked or surprised, but your letter left me speechless! “Alas, I am still a virgin”? At 22? And this is a problem? How? Really? I have to tell you that if I were your parent, I would not be too worried about what motivated you to remain a virgin, I would just be happy that you did, especially after reading the rest of your letter.

You are correct that the gift of sexuality is precious and is best destined for the person with whom we want to spend the rest of our lives in marriage. Virginity is not just for women. Both men and women are invited to give themselves to one another in this way only in marriage. Why? Because what we do with our bodies has meaning. Our bodies are not mere tools that we use like a pen in our hand. Rather our bodies are ourselves. I have already quoted the French philosopher Gabriel Marcel several times before in this column. Marcel wrote, “I do not have a body. I am my body”.

In making love we give ourselves to the other with abandon, without counting the cost, hopefully in a frenzy of passion that reflects the intensity of our love, our relationship, our total communion with one another in marriage. However, once we enter into sexual relations with a person without actually meaning the total union that our bodies form, then we are expressing a lie. This lack of congruity between what we say with our body and what we mean in our heart will eventually catch up with us. It’s a problem.

Obviously the mysterious, complex and joyful nature of sexuality sometimes leads us to rush in too quickly into a physical relationship before it is time. We are all human. It happens and the Church is not about judging and condemning. Rather the Church, following the Gospel, invites us to respect ourselves and to say what we mean… in words and with our bodies.



In your case though, understanding and appreciating the Church’s teaching does not seem to be the only issue with which you need to contend. There is also the issue of your boyfriend who wants you to have sex with him to prove your love. You have no idea how many alarm bells went off in my head when I read that part of your letter. He wants you to ‘prove’ your love? Who does he think he is; God’s gift to womankind? Really? And you are buying that? Could it be that the reason you are sweating and getting anxious when he approaches you in a sexual way is because you instinctively know that he’s not doing it for the right reasons? Maybe it’s not your mother’s brain-washing. Maybe it’s your God-given intuition, your gut, or who knows, perhaps it’s that spark of the divine within you… God’s grace telling you: This is not right!



Love is not something that needs to be proven. It just is. We experience love in the friendship we share, in the ‘freely given’ sacrifices we make for the other, in the forgiveness we extend to one another and in the peace we experience together. Love can’t be forced or demanded. It’s a gift. Read Chapter 1 of St. Paul’s Letter to the Corinthians and remember what real love is like. Does that feel the same as someone asking you to ‘prove’ your love?

Christmas is precisely the celebration of God taking on our flesh and living our life. God came among us and loved us, healed us and redeemed us in His flesh. He invites us to use the gift of our bodies and sexuality to do the same; love, heal and care for others.