Twist of Fate

DEAR FRIAR RICK: To my disappointment I discovered at the beginning of this year that I was pregnant. As a mother of three children, and already on in years (I am 48), the situation created considerable anxiety both to my husband and myself.

You have to know, Father, that we are not ‘well off’, that our home is barely able to contain us all, and that both my husband and myself are working round the clock just to make ends meet.

Our children are no longer so dependent on us; the girl is 16, and the two boys are 18 and 21, but they are all still studying.

In short, the poor creature in my womb was not really all that welcome. However, both my husband and myself gradually came to terms with this pregnancy, and said to ourselves: Thy will be done.

On October 7 my water broke, but once I reached hospital I was told that the heart of the little being inside of me had stopped beating, and I gave birth to a stillborn baby.

From that day on I can’t stop crying. I feel responsible for this death and now, as Christmas is approaching, I am feeling even worse. Has the Lord sent me this as a punishment for rejecting the new life that was growing inside me?

 

I am very sorry for your loss. You, your child and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I think that the most important words you wrote in your letter were: Thy will be done. Perhaps you were not ready to say that when you first found out you were pregnant, but in the end that was your fundamental choice or stance towards God; one of openness to whatever God might have in store for you. I hope that your trust in God’s will is strong enough to carry you through this difficult time. I hope you know and trust that our God would never cause your child to die nor send you a ‘punishment’ such as this. This would be a horrible and spiteful God, much more like we behave than the God that is revealed in Jesus Christ.



I would like to begin this response on your situation by inviting you to reflect on a passage from the Gospel of Saint Matthew. In chapter 21 Jesus tells the story of two sons. The first quickly responds to the call of his father to go and work in the field. Yet, after the father turns his back, the son quickly reneges on his word. The second son, at first, says no to his father. In his case though, upon reflection, he eventually goes out to the field. Jesus asks his disciples which of the two did the father’s will. They understandably respond that the second was more faithful. It seems that the point that Jesus was trying to make is that God understands how the human heart works. Our generosity is rather limited at times… yet we have tremendous capacity to grow in love.



I believe that God gives us the grace to grow in love as we need. A parent who has one child and pours his or her heart into that child often can’t imagine loving another child. Is there enough love to go around? What about you, do you love one of your children more than the others? Most parents will admit that their love grows to encompass all their children. It’s not always easy though. It means that we have to take a risk. Can I dare to believe that I will have what it takes? Even when we are willing to trust in God, things do not necessarily go smoothly. God’s faithfulness and our response to it do not guarantee an easy life. Sometimes it requires further sacrifice and a willingness to keep being open.



Let me leave you with a reminder, especially during these Advent days, that this same God who created us, also became one of us, and experienced life as we do. Jesus knows our pain and struggles first-hand, and looks upon us, looks upon you, with great tenderness and compassion. May the coming celebration of Christmas fill you with a sense of God’s closeness to you, and bring you the consolation you and your family need to heal.