The Loyal Friend

Dear Mr. Pfister: I’m a teenager, and at a recent sleepover with friends, I was asked to do things that made me really uncomfortable, like using a Ouija board and drinking alcohol. I didn’t want to ruin the night or lose my friends, so I felt a lot of pressure to go along, even though I knew it was something I shouldn’t be a part of. I left feeling confused and upset. How can I stand up for myself in moments like this without hurting my friendships or feeling left out?

Saint John Bosco once offered this wise counsel: “Enjoy yourself as much as you like – if only you keep from sin.” Those words hold together two truths we often try to separate: joy and holiness. Whether you are a teenager, as you are, or someone much later in life, moments like the one you described are invitations to live your faith with courage, especially in your relationships with others.

That courage is rarely easy. It is far simpler to remain silent, go along with the group, and avoid tension. Yet situations like these – uncomfortable as they may be – are precisely where virtue is formed. They also reveal something important about friendship. True friends desire your good, not merely your company. When a friendship requires you to set aside your values for the sake of someone else’s enjoyment, it is worth asking whether that relationship is built on something solid.

It can feel frightening to risk losing friends. Sometimes we convince ourselves that having some friends is better than being alone. But friendships that cannot respect your faith or your boundaries often do not last anyway. When something more serious eventually tests them, they tend to leave. While it is painful, recognizing this sooner can avoid additional hurt in the future.

As Saint John Paul II reminds us in Theology of the Body, God created us for relationship, but not for relationships that are conditional or lacking charity. When a relationship consistently pulls us away from who God is calling us to be, it isn’t a relationship that will ultimately fulfill us or our purpose. Trust that God does not ask you to walk this road alone. When He allows someone to leave your life, it is often because He is making room for something greater – relationships that will help you grow in holiness and fill your life with joy.

You were understandably caught off guard in the moment, and speaking up right away is difficult for anyone. Still, there may be value in addressing this later. If the opportunity arises, have a direct but charitable conversation with your friends. Share what you experienced and how it affected you both mentally and emotionally. Remind them of your desire to live for something higher – your call to be a saint – and how certain situations, like the one you experienced with them, do not lead you there. Invite them to healthier ways of spending time together. Be polite, invite them to something higher, but be firm.

The outcome is not fully in your control because we can’t control their response. It may lead to deeper friendship, or it may lead to separation. If they choose to walk away, entrust that loss to God, confident that He is preparing friendships that reflect His love more faithfully.