Parents in Distress

Dear Mr. Pfister, my husband and I are having difficulty and feeling stuck in our relationships with our grown children. These difficulties became apparent last year when I suffered an illness that left me unable to compensate – or what I now recognize as overcompensate – for the deficits in our relationship. Without my husband or I consistently reaching out to or engaging with them I truly believe the relationships would fade to being non-existent rather quickly. Further complicating the problem, I feel I can’t be the mother I used to be to them because they have rejected me when I was most in need. Can you give me some advice on how we can be a family again? How do I overcome my feelings of being betrayed?

We often look at difficult situations within a family and say, “Just don’t talk about it and things will be fine. It’ll take care of itself.” Unfortunately, the problem doesn’t often take care of itself, and this is one of those times that it may be beneficial to “talk about it” in order to find healing and resolution for everyone involved. Without addressing the problem there will inevitably fail to be healing in your wounds of betrayal and rejection – they will only continue.

The relationship a child has with their parents inevitably changes as they become adults. It’s a natural and important part of parenting and childhood. While a child previously did as they were told to do by their parents out of obedience, this is no longer the case when they are adults and have families of their own, as their duties are now to their own family. However, change in a relationship does not mean a negation of the relationship. Likewise, the obligations a child has to their parents do change, but they are not negated.

The spiritual authors delineate an adult child’s duty out of the virtue of piety – a subvirtue of justice – to render their parents due honor and reverence commensurate to their office of father and mother. This duty of the child is also the right of the parent. You and your husband have a right to be treated with honor and respect by your children, and right now you feel completely disrespected and abandoned by them. And while they are not strictly responsible for your feelings, they are responsible for their actions (or lack of action).   

To start the process of opening a dialogue of communication and healing, you want to both address your hurt (and hear theirs) and direct the conversation towards solutions.

Addressing your hurt involves discussing with your children the reason behind your hurt. Using ‘I’ statements – statements that begin with “I feel…”, “I think…” as opposed to “You are…”, “You do…”, etc. – and sharing your feelings allows you to express the hurt without moving them towards defensiveness. It allows you to express your hurt in a way that can be heard and received by your children, not pushed aside through defensiveness or frustration.

Beyond sharing what you think and feel, you also want to share solutions. What is it that you need from your children? What do they need from you? Be direct, honest, and reasonable with one another.

Lastly, pray ceaselessly and place all your trust in God, recognizing that everything comes from the hand of Almighty God. God is allowing the hurt you are experiencing to take place, and in this He is allowing you to imitate Him in the suffering of His Passion. Our response is to be one of suffering willingly and suffering well that He may be glorified through our actions.