Love and Virtue

Dear Mr. Pfister, I recently ended a long-term relationship with a man I was hoping to marry. After two years of dating, I started having lingering doubts whether he was going to ever ask me to marry him. Unfortunately, my doubts were justified. When I asked him about it, he said he was enjoying our relationship as it was and didn’t really see why we needed to get married at all. His perspective was that we could just “act married,” without “being married.” As hard as it was, I ended the relationship. Now that I’m facing single life again, I’m beginning to ask myself questions about what I should be looking for in a relationship and future spouse to avoid this hurt again in the future. What should I be looking for in a spouse? And how do I determine if they have these qualities earlier in the relationship?

I commend your righteous but difficult decision to end your previous relationship. Too many of us remain in relationships that are either objectively not good for us or, at the very least, are not heading towards marriage – which is the very end for which dating is intended. While I am sure he was a fine young man in many respects, he was not ready or willing to make the sacrifices necessary to fulfill his would-be duties to you as his spouse. He has not, at least at this point in his life, matured to the point where he is prepared for the beauty and sacrifice that is marriage.

While a great deal can be said in relation to what to look for in a spouse and how the process of dating should be approached, I will keep my response to two main points: one about what to look for in a spouse, and one about how this first point will naturally (and quickly) present itself in the process of dating.

When you begin the process of seeking a suitable man, always keep in mind the entire purpose of why you are pursuing them: marriage. You are looking for a man who will be able to fulfill the duties required of a husband. These include his practical abilities to provide, protect, sacrifice for, and support you mentally and emotionally. Is he chivalrous, temperate, just, and prudent? Ultimately, what you are looking for is a man who is virtuous according to the Church’s understanding of virtue. If he is virtuous, he will give you a very happy life despite any obstacles that arise. If he isn’t, he will time and again make life difficult for both of you.

In the process of dating, you will know whether or not he is marriage material relatively quickly because you know what you are looking for – virtue. Virtue tends to make itself known, not ostentatiously, but unpretentiously. You will see it in both how he treats you, himself, and others. Given this circumstance, he will also consistently treat you with the dignity and respect you have as a child of God, and never subject you to anything that would oppose this dignity.

Keep in mind that, while he doesn’t need to be perfect before you start dating, he does need to possess at least adequate virtue in these important areas. Dating is not a time to ‘fix’, change, or develop the other person, it’s a time to discern if they are ready for marriage – meaning they possess this virtue to a sufficient degree already. If they don’t, they shouldn’t be dating, but should be focusing on maturing to the point where they are ready to date seriously.