Always Sorry

DEAR Mr. Pfister, I am struggling with feelings of guilt. I take responsibility and often apologize for things that don’t warrant an apology, such as asking a waiter for a glass of water while out to eat; at times, I even feel guilty for things I haven’t actually done, such as when I apologized to my boss for my coworker not completing their project on time. I’ve noticed this tendency in just about every aspect of my life: in my interactions with my friends, family, in the workplace, as well as with complete strangers. How do I address these unnecessary feelings of guilt and find greater freedom in my responses?

While it might sound contrary to contemporary thought, guilt – when properly understood – is actually good and necessary. It’s the emotional response to a moral judgment made by our intellect – which we refer to as our conscience – which alerts us when we’ve strayed from the path toward our true purpose: union with God. In this way, guilt serves as an internal signal, making us aware of wrongdoing and prompting us to make things right.

However, for guilt to be helpful, our conscience must be well-formed – able to make accurate moral judgments that recognize true wrongdoing, not just trigger guilt from discomfort or misplaced responsibility. A poorly formed conscience leads to confusion: feeling guilty for things that aren’t wrong or weren’t our responsibility. This can cause us to over-apologize, overcompensate, or carry burdens we weren’t meant to bear.

To begin addressing this, start by building awareness. Notice when you apologize or take responsibility for something. Use a small notebook or phone note to track moments throughout the day when you felt the need to say “I’m sorry” or felt responsible. Then ask yourself: were those situations truly your responsibility?

This practice trains your intellect to begin questioning and refining the judgments it makes. After identifying a few examples, take time to reflect:

• What was I thinking or feeling in that moment?
• Was I truly responsible for what happened?
• Was this something that required an apology or corrective action?

As you reflect, it’s important to distinguish between healthy guilt and unhealthy guilt:

• Healthy guilt arises when we’ve genuinely done something wrong. It leads us toward reconciliation – with God and others. It has a clear path and purpose, guiding us back into right relationship.
• Unhealthy guilt, on the other hand, lacks this path. It often arises from false responsibility or distorted thinking, and leads only to self-blame or shame. It doesn’t bring healing – because in many cases, there was nothing that truly needed to be healed.

The key difference between the two lies in where the guilt leads. Healthy guilt moves us toward action and reconciliation. Unhealthy guilt keeps us stuck.

Once you’ve identified whether your guilt is healthy or unhealthy, you can take the appropriate next steps:

• If the guilt is healthy, seek forgiveness, take responsibility, and work toward healing the relationship.
• If the guilt is unhealthy, take time to reflect: Where is this guilt coming from? Is it based on truth? What would a more accurate or healthier response be?

By consistently engaging in this process, you’ll train your conscience to make more accurate judgments. Over time, you’ll experience less false guilt, greater clarity, and better discernment in knowing when to take – or not take – responsibility.