Grace under Fire

DEAR Mr. Pfister: I’m struggling with how to respond to my in-law’s words and actions. My wife’s mother has never really liked me, and though I don’t know why, she often finds ways to criticize how I talk, dress, or act – especially during family gatherings or holidays. I feel torn between trying to be a good, faithful husband and wanting to just “let her have it.” Usually, I stay quiet on the outside, but boil inside, feeling angry and resentful. What can I do to respond better – either internally or externally?

First, thank you for your honesty and your desire to handle this difficult situation more effectively. Desiring to grow in love and virtue while facing hurtful behavior is a courageous and commendable goal.

Let’s begin with your external response. Consider approaching your mother-in-law for a charitable, private conversation when tensions are low. Often, people aren’t fully aware of how their words are perceived. She may think she’s being funny or teasing – while you’re experiencing pain and frustration. When you talk with her, focus on your experience rather than accusing her. Avoid using “you always” or “you never” statements, as these often lead to defensiveness. Instead, use “I” statements, such as:

• “I feel disrespected when comments are made about how I dress or speak.”
• “I’d like to ask that personal critiques not be shared during family time.”

The goal is not to “win” the conversation, but to express how her comments affect you, and request a more respectful dynamic. Whether or not she responds positively, you will have acted like the person you desire to be.

Now for the internal response, which may be even more important. You mentioned feeling angry, hurt, and resentful. These are valid emotions, especially when repeated criticisms come from someone who should ideally be supportive. But as you know, we can’t always control how others treat us – including after a charitable conversation and request as exampled above – we can, however, learn how to manage our reactions.

One approach is to begin viewing these moments as opportunities for spiritual and personal growth. While it’s not easy, this mindset shift can be powerful. Ask yourself: What virtue might God be inviting me to grow in through this trial? In your case, patience, humility, or perseverance may be taking center stage and fit with how you desire to be as a husband.

Each time your mother-in-law makes a cutting comment, use it as a cue to turn your mind toward God. A simple internal prayer – such as Lord, help me grow through this and see Your invitation to growth in patience – can reframe the moment. It may help to journal your progress, writing down how you responded, and what you’re learning. Over time, this process can lead to greater peace, even in the face of continued challenge. You might also find it helpful to seek other areas of your life where you can intentionally grow in patience. Building this virtue in a variety of situations will prepare you for future encounters with your mother-in-law – and anyone else who challenges you.

Lastly, remember to ask God for His grace – to bless your efforts and help you to respond to His invitation to growth. With time, prayer, and effort, you’ll find that both your inner and outer responses can change for the better.