Growing Saints

DEAR Mr. Pfister, my wife and I are constantly struggling to get our young children to behave appropriately in public – whether we’re at Mass, the grocery store, the doctor’s office, or anywhere else. They might wander out of sight, touch things they shouldn’t, yell or scream, or deliberately ignore us when we give instructions. At home, however, their behavior is much better, and we’re not sure why. My wife and I both agree we lean too heavily on punishment, but don’t know what else to do. How can we help them behave more appropriately in public and become the little saints God is calling them to be?

It was Saint John Bosco who famously said that, when raising children, “punishment should be your last resort.” Now, that line needs to be understood in the context in which he said it – he was speaking about a particular group of boys, offering counsel tailored to them, and not laying down a blanket rule for every child in every situation.

That said, I think there’s real wisdom in his approach. Young children – especially those not yet at the age of reason – absolutely need to learn discipline, and they learn it through association. They connect good behavior with positive reinforcement: an encouraging word, a smile, or even a small reward. And likewise, they learn to associate poor behavior with consequences.

As parents, though, we often lean too quickly on punishment. It’s usually because it’s easier, or because we’re frustrated, embarrassed by their behavior in public, or simply overwhelmed. But if we take Saint John Bosco’s advice and implement it into our lives well, making punishment a last resort means shifting our energy toward increasing the likelihood of good behavior in the first place. When we invest more time there, the need for punishment naturally decreases.

Take the public behavior of your children that you described, for example. One simple strategy I’d encourage you and your wife to try is rehearsal, which is exactly what it sounds like: rehearsing before you go into a store or to Mass. While still in the car, ask your children: What does good behavior look like? What’s one positive behavior you really want to show while we’re here? You can even have them act it out before going inside. While you’re inside, be a source of support and offer gentle – or at times more direct – reminders. Then, once you leave, talk through what went well and what you’d like to keep working on together as a family, so your efforts stay supportive, consistent, and connected.

While it takes a little more effort upfront, the long-term payoff will be worthwhile. And it avoids one of the biggest pitfalls of overusing punishment: spending all our time telling kids what not to do instead of showing them what to do.

If we approach things this way, we get to the heart of what St. John Bosco was saying. His point wasn’t to eliminate punishment just to eliminate it – it has a rightful place in helping children mature and grow in virtue. Rather, he’s inviting us to reduce its necessity by intentionally teaching the behaviors that help our children become who they’re meant to be. Punishment won’t disappear altogether, but with strategies like rehearsal, the effort you put in can make a deeper and longer-lasting impact.