Loving Distance

DEAR Mr. Pfister, I have a cousin whom I care about deeply, but she has become involved in witchcraft and practices that are a cause of concern. I am worried about her and our relationship. I have tried, in a gentle and loving way, to share my concerns and offer a different perspective, but she is not open to any kind of advice or correction. Our conversations on the topic tend to shut down quickly, and I don’t want to damage our relationship further by pushing too hard. At the same time, I feel conflicted because staying silent feels like I’m ignoring something that matters. How can I continue to love my cousin and express my concern without compromising my own beliefs?

I have a deep respect for the way you’re standing firm – both in what you believe and in your desire for what’s genuinely good for your cousin. That’s not easy. It’s especially difficult when someone you care about isn’t open to hearing you, or doesn’t see your concerns as valid or coming from a place of love.

There are, generally speaking, two ways to approach situations like this. First, when Thomas Aquinas discusses offering counsel and correcting others, he makes an important point: if a person isn’t open to correction, the first response isn’t to push harder – it’s to pray. Specifically, to pray for the grace that their heart might be opened, that they might come to see things more clearly, and ultimately turn more fully toward God. That shift doesn’t come from force; it comes from God’s grace.

At the same time, I’d add something that relates to that counsel. If it’s possible, keep investing in the relationship itself. People are far more likely to receive hard truths from someone they trust and feel close to. If the relationship feels strained or distant, even the best advice can sound like criticism. But when there’s genuine closeness, consistency, and care, your words have a much better chance of being heard the way you intend them. So part of the work here is relational – building trust, showing patience, and letting your care for them be unmistakable.

Of course, all of this has to be balanced with staying grounded in your own convictions. You shouldn’t compromise what you know is right or put yourself in situations that are unhealthy or morally compromising, which leads to the second approach.

The second approach builds off of the first. Sometimes, even with prayer and your best efforts, deepening the relationship just isn’t possible – at least not right now. In those cases, we have to face a hard truth: some relationships, even with family, need a certain distance for a time. That doesn’t mean you stop loving them. It means you recognize that, in the present moment, close proximity may be doing more harm than good – either to you, to them, or to the relationship itself.

Loving from a distance is painful, but it can be necessary at times. It creates a space, but one in which God continues to work. When you make that kind of decision, it’s important to bear two things in mind. First, the hope that this distance is temporary and the relationship can be restored in time. And second, it’s a time of renewal in our commitment to prayer as Saint Thomas counsels.