Showing Up

DEAR Mr. Pfister: For years, I poured myself into work – building a business, maintaining relationships, and chasing what I thought was providing for my family. In the process, I became largely absent at home, especially with my children. My wife tried to tell me this for a few years, but I wasn’t able – or willing – to hear it. Now something has shifted. I can see it, and I feel the weight of what I’ve missed. I’m struggling with how to move forward, especially with my youngest children. I worry I’ve created a pattern of distance. I don’t want to barge in or try to “fix” things overnight in a forced way, but I also don’t want to waste more time. How can I rebuild these relationships? What does “showing up” look like now?

What you’re describing is more common than you might think – but that doesn’t make it any less painful when you finally see it clearly. The good news is this: relationships with children are remarkably resilient, and repair doesn’t come from grand gestures or wholesale overhauls. It comes from consistency over time.

Your instinct not to “fix everything overnight” is exactly right. What your children need isn’t a dramatic shift they can’t make sense of, but a steady presence they can learn to rely on. One of the most effective ways to build that presence is through simple, repeatable rituals – predictable moments that say, I will be here again, and again, and again. These moments will gradually reshape their expectations and, over time, foster the healing you’re seeking in your relationship.

I’d encourage you to focus on two to start: a ritual of play, where you build positive memories together, and a ritual of talk, where you get to know their inner worlds.

Play is the doorway back in. It’s how children most naturally connect, and it removes the pressure of “making up for lost time.” Set aside regular, protected time – daily if possible, even if it’s just 15-20 minutes – where your only goal is to enter their world. Let them choose the activity. Follow their lead. Put work – and thoughts of work – away. Don’t turn it into a lesson or an evaluation. When you show up this way, consistently, you communicate something powerful: I enjoy being with you.

Equally important is the ritual of talk. It may be quieter than play, but it’s just as meaningful. It might happen at bedtime, in the car, or during a walk – any space where conversation can happen without distraction. The goal isn’t to interrogate or correct, but to be curious about the life you and your wife have been entrusted with by Almighty God. Ask about their day, their friends, or what they’re thinking about. Listen more than you speak. Over time, these small conversations build trust and give you access to their inner world.

You may feel guilt – and that’s understandable – but try not to let it drive your behavior. Guilt can lead to withdrawal or overcompensation, neither of which helps. Instead, let it deepen your commitment to consistency. Your children don’t need a perfect father; they need a present one.

If you return, day after day, through play and talk, you will begin to rewrite your relationship with them. Not instantly, but steadily – and that’s what builds real, lasting connection.